Three Hearts

A solitary soul
works upon his boat
dark clothing grasps
the warmth of sun rays
playfully I call to him
any lobster today
he stands within our path
near his river home
uncertain of his presence
we stop and exchange
light friendly conversation
suddenly he begins to unfold
his recent tragedy
a wife he drove for minor
surgery he tells two strangers
she passed away
speechless I stand beside him
tears fall from this hidden well
longing to comfort him
yet frozen...
struck dumb...
pain of loss we understood
and for this moment brief
three hearts upon the river bank
stood silently each feeling alone
each feeling incomplete
each questioning life's mysteries
each heart dying individually yet
wondering if ever we could be of
any help to someone else that
shares this dreadful loss
willing to at least be silent and
hear the other talk


Pauline 2009

Confetti of Yesterdays

Peering into this reality
Recognizing head on
The absence of you!
Experiencing loss, anger
Sadness, solitude
Filling the void with questions
Of what to do?
Where to go from here?
The paper shredder is both
Friend and foe
Destroying with angry teeth
Each handwritten note
Leaving me confetti of yesterdays

©2009Pauline

Endless Space

Hiding from myself


pulling down the shade


shutting out the world


attempting to remain


encased within my


lonely place numbed


by loss forgetful of the


passing days unaware


of times escape it blends


into an endless space


hours, days, nights, weeks


all smudge themselves


falling into nothingness of


days I can't recall


how can I explain myself


so you will understand


when in fact I'm hiding


from myself...lost somewhere


in confusion unaware so


terribly unaware that my


detachment is hurting you


forgive me and say a silent


prayer that soon this grief


and sorrow will become


easier to bear for then I


will return to be the mother


that you know and demonstrate


forever true love that we have known.







©2009Pauline


1-8-09

Minus One

This photograph requested
Marking time aware now
Of how swiftly life passes
Friends stand side by side
Minus one
Smiling for the lens my
Thoughts are of you in
Your absence
Photograph reflecting smiles
Unable to capture silent thoughts
As we internally compute our
Lives touched
As we stand to pose for this
Moment minus you

©2008 Pauline

Wreaths and Red bows

Preparation for Christmas has begun, lights and red bows decorate doors in welcoming attire. I have made two attempts to bring wreaths to the grave sites on two separate occasions, both of these efforts failed due to my lack of directional skills and unavailability of an in car map quest, gps system...hint here for Christmas gift, family. My last trip was to my husbands grave. Without any problem the wreath was placed upon the headstone and its red bow waved thank you gently in the December air. Walking back toward my car a woman approached me with sincere compliments on the seasonal appearance. In no time at all we shared our stories hugged and parted.Suddenly it occurred to me that my previous attempts were no accident and it was meant for me to give this woman a wreath for her husbands grave. Why do we cling to those now passed and inadvertently manage to over look the pain and bereavement of the living who stand right before us?

Doreen and I continued to share our losses as we walked together to her husbands grave site. Once there I was introduced to her brother and mother.Doreen was quite specific telling me how she wanted the wreath placed and I went to work. Her brother looked astonished at our interaction and asked if we knew each other? No. I replied while continuing to string the wreath according to Doreen's wishes. Doreen supplied more detail of our meeting and bonding of widowhood to her brother easing his appearance of dismay.

This incident was heart warming. Two women met as strangers and parted as friends. I glanced upon my husbands grave fully decorated and smiled for the first time. I knew that he approved of this sharing moment between strangers.

Something larger than a wreath and a bow was shared between strangers. Something kind and loving and deeply spiritual took place. Hugs and waves followed me as I drove away and I know the spirit of Christmas was found in a most unexpected way.

Balancing Act

Moments of serenity and peace
hours when I feel complete
days that pass with foolish pride
whispering lies, whispering lies
suddenly a cloud appears covering
clear skies
shadows fall before my feet
reality strikes the heart forcing
me to see this balancing act within
dressed in full disguise

©2008Pauline

Opening Every Door

Opening every door
the name displayed
matters not to me
Jesus was a Jew
so there I'll start
my questioning
my neighbor is
a Baptist minister
yes, I have already
opened and visited
that door finding
love and comfort
Greek Orthodox my
husband was and yes
I paid my visit to be
welcomed to be blessed
to put some longing
silently to rest
cannot explain this need
to search yet opening
every door will reveal to me
a hidden message found in
understanding of this necessary
quest some confirmation that
my husbands soul has now
found blissful rest.

Pauline©2008

Blue Canvas

One lonely chair
graces the garden lawn
remembering conversations shared
one lonely chair sits empty
a statement of your absence now
that you are gone
unable to sit remembering
I flee quickly upon the steps
leaving behind me
one lonely chair that sits
beside abandoned dreams

Pauline©2008

Falling Off The Shelf

Sorry for my
absence
it seems to be
that searching
has become
my new reality
beneath each leaf
beside each tree
within each cloud
I search
not recognizing
my truth
that you will never
more return to me

Pauline©2008

Empty Page

Words flow upon each
Empty page
Crimson as blood from
An unexpected blade
My release of sorrow
And despair
Blood words mingled
With tears
Forever I am laid bare
Each thought
Each tear released
Set free
For all who wish
To truly understand me

©2008Pauline

Rendezvous of Memories

Days without you
spent in busy chores
attempting to work
as you would yet
now my efforts are
singular
exhausted I attempt
escape falling into
fitful interrupted sleep
tears caress my cheeks
their warmth replaces
the tenderness of your
lips
silence fills each room
while my ears
strain
longing to recall the
sweet sound of
your voice
fifty-five days without you
my life will never be
the same for I am
intoxicated with memories
from the life that
we have shared
entangled emotions
must be met
moment by moment
for they
roll from laughter
into tears
without reason
explanation
or regret
had we grown tired
of each other
as people said we would
then this unexpected parting
could be viewed an
introduction to
a life of being free
yet I count each day
without you
imprisoned by our
rendezvous of memories

©2008 Pauline

Heartbreak

You find yourself
pregnant
are told so many
choices
you could make
confused
emotions overflow upon
a tear stained face
healthy baby you now hold
Lord we are so grateful
yet this morning brings
a stark reminder of his
father's struggle once again
he brings you to the edge
of pain with his
addictions
you have kept at bay
you find both father
and his child bring heavy
responsibilities
your struggle, pain, confusion
displayed once more upon
a tear stained face with
questions unanswered

written by Pauline ©2007

In Newness

Sending a hug
your way
for the skies
today appear
cloudy and grey
yet I know soon
the sun's rays
will warm this tired
body and mind
Tomorrow
with strength
renewed
I shall walk an
untraveled path
seeing things
in a new light
learning of life's
continuing flight



written by Pauline June 29, 2007
with special thoughts for Annelisa

Silently we sit unaware
as your dream of a rose
garden is removed
each rose a fragrant gift
a quiet prayer
uprooted now
in the stillness
of words unspoken
I experience your loss
your vision
of colorful petals that
provide sweet perfumed
air
each passing by a
meditative prayer
Silently we sit unaware
of this action
that cuts
like the thorn
you bear the loss
with regalness
I wipe a tear

written by Pauline July 1, 2007

Tragedy

Tragedy comes unexpectedly, like a train speeding toward us with no signal and we are struck if not physically than emotionally. That is where our family has been placed for the first week of this new year 2007. Gathered together in a display of support. We share meals, light conversation, take short walks. We listen intently to each other with a deeper intuition of shared views and opinions expressed. We wash dishes, play with the baby, help the other children with schoolwork. These are all efforts to maintain normalcy in our lives that have been shaken by the unexpected, the unimagined, the unfathomable act of one deeply troubled man. In the midst of these activities Nana is asked by the three year old to play. I tell her, in a moment, for I am helping Mama. She calls to me again and I realize she is more important than my task at hand. Sitting at the table together we shape play dough of different colors. A pumpkin with green growth that looks like magnificent flowers to me and I praise her excessively. Lets make something else she cheerfully exclaims. We make a blue bunny rabbit and her smile is infectious. "What can we make now? " I pause, well we could make a bowling ball. We both look a bit confused and she says," but I don't know how." I will show you, is my reply. Somehow we decide that if we take a new paper plate and place the clay bowling ball upon it we can create a race track; additional clay spheres are required and made. With a slight tilt of the plate the circles appear to chase each other about the rim of the dish. Peels of laughter explode and a house draped in sadness is filled with the sounds of childish joy and the magic of laughter. Nana and her three year old granddaughter ignite positive energies, ripples of playfulness; unaware of the soothing balm we place upon the heavy air. Every one's spirits are lifted if only for a short time. We have been given a heavenly gift of joyfulness and hope.

written by Pauline January 6, 2007
copyright 2007

A View Impaired

A view impaired by broken glass
Somehow held together
By wooden frame and puttied edge
That seem to not remember
Pain, sorrow, discontent
Love's comfort now is lost
Shattered broken windows
A view impaired by broken glass
Confusion fills the household
Once dreams stood posing
As reality
Now broken glass
For all to see
Silence and its statement made
Denial can no longer be.

written by Pauline December 13, 2006
copyright 2006

Tears

More tears, I should be empty
Like the bottom of a well after
A drought, I should be dry
Unable to produce, yet the tears
Still fall unexpected, suddenly,
Surprisingly
Leaving some wonderment at it all
Here I am being cleansed from within
To sparkle with the promise of the
Rainbow and begin again.

written by Pauline 2002
copyright 2006

Pillows

Pillows piled deeply to cushion life's blows
Set onto bedside and couches, large toss
Abouts decorated the floor, each a soft,
Warm, comforting shock absorber.
Pillows piled deeply throughout the rooms
Act like a true friend in time of need
To embrace or support or to lean upon
When the body is weary and the heart aches.
I shall never look at a pillow in quite the same
Way, after truly seeing its worth today.

written by Pauline 2002
copyright 2006

Amaya

Love sent from above
Enabling you to hold
Pamper and attend
Teaching you the value
And depth of parenting
Now it seems she has gone
Away and your hearts are
Like broken clay
Mystic surprise, she is not
In the ground
Like the angels she dances
Among the clouds
Watching, waiting, laughing
With God
At our mortal misunderstanding
Of the mysteries of life
Such a small view we share
Amaya could now tell you of the
Power of love and its lasting force
That extends beyond what we know
On this earth
Suppress your tears while you listen
To her joy, she waits for you
For now be at peace, knowing you
Have a special angel in the arms of
The Lord
Loving you, interceding for you
For each day and for all time.

written by Pauline
copyright 2006

Curtain of the Night

It's the curtain of the night
Now drawn closed and tight
No sunshine filters through
It is the wall
Separating
Today from all tomorrows
A new journey has begun
A new song will be sung
I cannot share this song with you
I must travel alone
To all that is new
I will take with me
My memories
Of the life
That we have shared
And if I can I'll keep watch
From up above somewhere.

written by Pauline for the Joyce family 1995
copyright August 4, 2006